Monday, December 20, 2010

Back in the Saddle Again

Saturday was a hard, hard day. A culmination of days adding up into many, many tears and a few realizations. I had to get off my horse and sit in the dust by the side of the road and just cry for awhile.

Sunday I got back in the saddle and sat there.

Monday I'm still on and we're slowing walking forward. No galloping, just walking and getting my bearings about me.

I appreciate the prayers and encouragement. And a blog is a funny thing. I choose to publicly share "life stuff" and release it out into the vastness that is cyberspace. I had to think a little bit about whether or not I wanted to do that on Saturday. If my thoughts were more for my journal or for my journal and others that care about us and those that just peek in every so often.

I decided I wanted it to be public. That we don't always talk about the hard stuff of this journey in such raw ways but they are real and a part of our experience. I'm kind of a "nose to the grindstone", "push through it", "Jessup" kind of person (anyone with Jessup connections will totally get that reference). I'm more prone to just keep pushing then I am to revealing and one of my realizations is that I need to do some more revealing. I don't plan to blog about all my inner secrets :) but I do plan on being more intentional about sharing with a few more folks about what is hard and what I'm struggling with. And I'm not going to second guess myself when I'm having a "CF moment" and debate about whether or not I should call someone to talk with or pray with. Honestly, it is silly inner debate.

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." Philippians 4:8

I'm also going to think about some things that allow my heart to rest and be reassured. Like Quinn asking me to rock him before laying down for a rest time..."Mom, you are the best rocker in the whole world." Or Sela's sweet smiles and laughter as she runs down the hallway to escape me "chasing" her. Or how much I enjoy watching "The Sing-Off" on NBC. Seriously, it makes me so happy. Or when I get to go thrift store shopping, I love it! The thrill of the hunt and the joy of a good deal. Or the bouquet of roses a friend brought by on Sunday...beautiful. Or sitting on the couch talking with Ryan. Or sitting on the couch talking to Ryan when I know he is staying up so he can hear me talk because he loves me even when he is really tired. Or friends talking together over dessert. Or choosing a new word each day for our Advent calendar (well, trying to do each day, we've had to do four words at one time on a few days). Saturday's was "grace".

Joy to the world, the Lord is come, let Earth receive her King,
let every heart prepare him room
and Heaven and nature sing,
and Heaven and nature sing,
and Heaven and Heaven and nature sing!

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